kim's guide to getting a free ride

Being carless myself, I have spent the last three years practicing the art of free riding.  I've not exactly arrived yet (see posts at public transportation), but I have very recently gotten a text that told -- nay, commanded -- me to get in the black Mercedes with the man named Ray.  I think you can trust me with the basics.

By far the obvious first step is to be female.  Failing that, you can attempt to follow the rest of the guidelines, but, really, I don't know the level of success I can forecast.  I suppose it's still worth a try, though.

Next, always look amazing.  Now, this is clearly a bit easier said than done.  I'm no expert, but I find that anything thrown with a short skirt should do in a pinch.  Heels never hurt.  (Unless, of course, you're soliciting a ride from a short man with short man syndrome.  In that event, it may behoove you to keep an emergency pair of flats on hand if you can get them to fit unobtrusively in your bag.)  Red isn't a bad place to start; neither is black.  After that, I'm afraid you're on your own.

If it's impossible to look amazing, pitiful is your next best option.  Cold, sick, drained or exhausted is best, but don't overdo it.  Just enough to prick the fringes of guilt without actually dropping the weight of a trip.

You're also highly more likely to be successful if it's pouring.  Difficult to gauge, but if it's been tempermental all night, plan your exit to correspond with a downpour.  Never carry an umbrella.

Hang around Christians.  Christians love to give rides.  Thou shalt give free rides is practically the eleventh commandment (and no doubt would have been, had there been cars in biblical times).  In fact, most of the time Christians will offer you rides without you even asking.  Should you be hanging around a Christian who forgets this principle, though, simply remind them that good they ought to do and do not do is just as sinful as ill they ought not to do and yet do.  Hopefully they'll make the connection; if not, offer to explain it to them over the ride home.

Ask for partial lifts.  This is key.  Unless your destination is very close, only ever ask for a lift to the bus stop.  It is rarely an imposition for someone to give you a lift to the nearest bus stop.  On the way, they'll make casual conversation about your final destination.  You have a couple options -- downplay the distance so they realize it's not that much farther or play up the distance so they feel even sorrier for you.  Play this one by ear.  It takes practice, but, with any luck, you'll get it right and end up dropped at your doorstep.

If at all possible, live near the destinations you frequent.  Not only will this help you to get more rides, but, in the unfortunate event that you fail, the cab rides are much cheaper.

Know your prey, er, options.  Do your research and figure out who actually lives where (a small talk essential for the free rider) and who's actually on your way. 

Ask different free drivers on different occasions.  Vary your ride sources so they don't dry up and disappear.  Turn offers down occasionally if you know another offer is on the way.  Make it seem a privilege for them to be able to drive you.

Never accept rides from strangers, unless they are friends of friends and come strongly recommended by initial friends.  If you're unsure or slightly queasy about someone, never take the ride.  Even if they're really ugly, it can be better not to risk it.  On the flip side, also be wary of the suave.  If anyone you're squeamish about pressures you to take a ride, make a quick decision to stay at the party a bit longer.  You suddenly realized there was an old friend you hadn't gotten to catch up with yet who you can't wait to speak to and who will certainly give you a lift, goodnight!

As much as possible, also keep an eye on how much your free rider has been drinking.  If there's any question they've been pushing things a bit, find a different option.

On the other hand, beggars can't be choosers.  The free driver might have parked far away, not have air conditioning, neglected to inform you they smoke or have their front seat covered in McDonald's bags.  You never know, but now is not the time to be picky.  As long as they're safe and sober, you might just have to deal with getting bored to death, stopping to fill their car with gas, running a few casual errands or realizing their driving upsets your stomach.  Bear these cons in mind for next time and remember the rule about varying your rides.

Witty conversation on the way is always in order.  You want to make this ride as enjoyable as possible for your driver so that they'll be anxious to repeat the procedure.  As aforementioned, persuade them to think you're actually doing them a favor by allowing them to enjoy your company.  Be as agreeable as possible.

Good directions.  Never get the person lost on the way, unless of course you've decided you severely dislike them and would never again be asking for a ride.  Otherwise, do your best to tell them to turn before they get to that very important left.  If you can direct the free driver back to the main road from your abode, so much the better; if not, they tend to forget any anguish caused by the next time you need a ride.

Effusive thanks.  When you leave, you must be sure to thank the free driver effusively.  If you are being driven from your home elsewhere, always plan to pay for parking.  (Not having coins tends to get you out of even this, though.)  Regardless, thank your free driver sincerely.  Not excessively, though, or a male free driver may attempt to kiss you, which I hardly need tell you can result in all manner of awkward situations.  Genuine thanks, then exit.  Never hold up traffic.

A side note:  your free rides do not have come directly from the free driver.  Making friends with wives or girlfriends who can then direct their spouse or boyfriend to be your free driver is often even more effective than soliciting your own free drivers.  The best bet is girlfriends with brand new boyfriends who are still out to impress them as much as possible by showing off their gallantry ad infinitum.  The gallantry will wear off after awhile, but by that point you'll hopefully have set an unshakable precedent they'll be socially forced to follow.

If all else fails, I got nothing.  Cut your losses and call a cab.