half baked

What is it with cooking shows these days?

Not what's newly wrong with them, but what's with having them in the first place?

I just don't get it.  I'm no cook, but I just don't see why they appeal to anyone.  What in the world is so good about watching other people make and eat food you can't have?

Like the movie Chocolat.  Now I love chocolate.  I could eat chocolate all day.  But watching other people eat the chocolate I can't have?  Call me crazy, but it just doesn't do it for me.

Is it the vicarious living?  The feeling that, if someone standing within six yards of your kitchen is actually cooking, that yours must be getting some sort of high out of it, too?

Surely it's not the recipes.  Anyone capable of turning on a TV is capable of jumping on google and finding themselves the latest way to marinate chicken breasts.

I'm really at a loss as to know why people watch these shows, but watch them they do.  In absolute droves.  And not just one show -- there's tons!  There's Jamie Oliver.  There's Gordon Ramsey.  There's MasterChef.  Then there's MasterChef for Kids.  MasterChef for Dogs.  MasterChef for Hamsters.

I guess I can hardly call this an Australian phenomenon, much as I wish I could.  I think it's really worldwide, in (what's the PC word these days?) developed nations.  (Incidentally, Australians consistently tell me they're part of the Western world.  While I understand the sentiment, I take serious issue with their geography.  West?  Are you kidding me?  Have you noticed where the International Date Line is?)

So anyway.  I wanted to say this was an Australian phenomenon and cite it as yet another amazingly odd cultural difference, but I don't think I can.  I can say that these shows are extremely popular here, though.  As are many American shows they can knock off.  Like So You Think You Can Dance.  They got really original with that one -- you'd never guess it was the same concept, but there's this show here called So You Think You Can Dance Australia.  Clever, huh?

Really, I don't watch much TV, here or there.  I was raised on an hour a day, then hit high school and that went out the window as I was too busy for it.  Four years at college and I didn't have a TV, not that I'd ever had had time for it.  Since graduation, I've lived in places with TVs, but it turns out I'm a huge television chameleon.  I'll watch what someone else is watching, but I'll rarely switch it on of my own accord.

I know people who like to keep it on as background noise.  That I just can't handle.  Background noise?  What in the world are you doing that requires background noise?  And anyway, I get entirely too distracted.  If it's on, I tend to watch it.  If it's not, I get stuff done.

My main exception is House.  Somehow I discovered that it's really rather amusing and got, while not exactly hooked, rather cheerful about the prospect of watching it rather regularly.  It's not just Hugh Laurie, either.  The script is great, but it's the Sherlock references that got me from the start.  I once took a class in Sherlock Holmes and nearly (okay, really) squealed when I first saw the "B" on his door, knowing full well that "221" must precede it.  And that line about putting boots on backwards ... don't tell me you missed it?!

So like I said:  not just Hugh Laurie.  There's that Australian guy in it, too.

Thus, medical shows, it appears, I can handle.  Cooking ones, though, I maintain I cannot.  I admit I watched some MasterChef because my flatmate watched some.  (I’m a chameleon, I told you.  I don’t kick up a fuss unless it’s so egregious that … well, actually I never kick up a fuss.  I just go to my room and blog.)  But what is the point?  I'll admit they've got colorful language, but where is the dialogue?  The banter?  The witty repartee?  Because, really, the colorful language is a bit much for me.  So maybe I'm a bit of a prude, but is it really necessary?  Okay, they say chefs swear a lot.  So do pirates, but even the movies they make about them are pretty tame compared to these guys.  I know there's a lot of pressure, but sheesh.  There's a lot of pressure teaching kindergarten, but you don't hear them swearing.  And frankly, I think they probably have a lot more to swear about.

Speaking of language, that is something I think could be genuinely classified as an Australian phenomenon.  Maybe phenomenon's a bit strong (the word itself is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, what with my university psychology textbook referring to every normal occurrence in life as a phenomenon:  the phenomenon of digestion, the phenomenon of happiness, the phenomenon of language production, phenomenon of depression, the phenomenon of sex, the phenomenon of ending up right or left-handed, the phenomenon of sleep.  Sleep?  Really?  I manage it every night and sometimes during the day, and it's rarely an effort.  Hardly comparable to the Milky Way, or at least that’s what I thought before I read my textbook.  If you want to find a real phenomenon, I think it's the number of twins separated at birth found by psychology textbooks for random studies.  Turns out half of them have German shepherds named Dolly, too, can you believe it?  Amazing, I know.), but it certainly is a trend:  Australians tend to have shocking words inserted frenetically in their everyday speech -- among friends, certainly, but also at work.  Americans swear, yes, but they're also highly professional in the workplace.  Just the other day in the school -- the school! -- where I work there was an announcement over the PA for the students to come along on a weekend trip that was going to be a ______ fine weekend.  No one else even noticed (there's the rub!), but I stopped by reception on my way out.

"So, I hear it's going to be an ... excellent weekend," I said.

"Ya," said the German guy who'd made the announcement.

"HA!" yelled his manager from behind the desk.  "HA!  I told you the American would notice!"

"What?" asked all the Australians, suddenly confused.  "Notice what?"

So maybe the chefs' language just isn't all that troubling for Australians.  (Many Christians, I will point out, are exempt from this observation.  Though even many genuine Christians I know use a noticeably more colorful range than I would.  Which isn't saying much, but anyway.)

I still don't see what the draw to cooking shows is, though.  That it's fun to watch someone else do the dirty work?  Doubt it.  Shows on cleaning litter boxes have never taken off, after all.  That they're wholesome and bonding?  Doubt it.  Remember that whole little language spiel?  That the people on it are bizarre?  Possibly.  Reality TV's taken off here as much as anywhere, and it's the only card I can actually see being played.  Maybe people feel strange watching Big Brother for the umpteenth time, so it's on to, if not bigger and better (they're not American, after all), at least something different.  Who cares if it's boring and makes your mouth water?

Pardon me, but MasterChef's on and I'm off to participate in the phenomenon of sleep.