bus behavior

How to act on the bus?  How not to act on the bus?  I thought it was all fairly, as my geometry teacher used to say about theorems and proofs, intuitively obviously, but I've seen such flagrant displays of how not to act lately that I've begun compiling a list.  I suppose if you're the sort of person who reads lists of behaviors to avoid on buses it's doubtful that you're the sort who acts in these ways, but you should at least be able to issue a few resounding "amens!" as we go, hey?  Or who knows?  Maybe you are.  Take note.

In no particular order:

1.  Don't spill your drink on someone else's toes.  Particularly not if they're wearing flip flops and really particularly not if you do it in such a way as to leave them confused as to whether or not you've just spilled a drink or actually thrown up slightly.  Very taboo.

2.  If there are free seats and you for some bizarre reason do not want one yourself, please stand to the side so that those who do want to sit in them can get to them.

3.  If there are two seats together that are empty, sit in one of them instead of next to someone already seated.

4.  If there's no room to sit, move to the back of the bus so that others who desperately want to be on the bus can get on to it.

5.  If someone asks you directions and you know how to answer them, do so.  Even if you overhear a conversation which is going sadly astray in these regards, it is permissible, though not imperative, to jump in.

6.  Only lay your head against the window if your hair is clean.

7.  When you know you're going to be getting off, give fair, unspoken warning to the person next to you (if you're by the window).  Start shuffling, collecting your bag or lean over and press the button yourself.  Then they're forewarned and will stand aside helpfully to let you out.  Otherwise, you may find yourself marooned on your own bus.  As lovely as the 247 is, though, it's no place like home.

8.  If a seat becomes vacated and someone has moved to take it, do not steal it from them.  This is not nice, and particularly not nice when it happens twice in a row and leaves the mover forced to then sit next to a large, grungy man.


Now, I will admit there are a few gray areas.  They are as follows:

1.  When do you push the button for the next stop?  Does it matter?  Obviously when you're at it it's a bit late, but if your stop is, say, the first one over the bridge, does anyone care if you press it prematurely while on the other side of the bridge?  Is that helpful because everyone knows what's what and can all breathe a sigh of I-don't-have-to-figure-out-when-to-press-the-button relief?  Or is it like being an annoying know-it-all?  Generally people seem to press the button once you're over the bridge, but not quite to the stop yet.  Is there any standard or rationale here?  Is it protocol or simply precedent?  Does anyone care?

2.  Do you have to move to recently vacated set of seats if one opens up and you're sitting on the aisle next to someone?  Granted, it's probably what you want to do, but how taboo is it not to?  My friends say very, but I think I've been known not to.  I'd finally plopped down after a long day, I was comfortable, no one was looking too ruffled about it and I hadn't known the rule.  I'd thought it was more an insult to move away ("ewww, not sitting by you any longer!") but I have now been made to see the error of my ways.  Henceforth I shall mosey.

3.  If someone talks to you, how do you respond?  Supposing they're a nice, normal person asking if this is or is not the Queen Victoria Building, that's all well and good, but what if they're asking how your day is or your political preferences or if you'd like to buy a magazine?  Do you pretend to speak another language?  Feign deafness?  Smile politely, then look the other way?  Answer, but as briefly as possible?  Turn around and ask them what Christmas really means to them?

4.  Do you say thank you to the driver when you get off?  If so, how loudly?  Do you wave?

Finally, I have a few handy tips.  Without further ado:

1.  If you're traveling late at night and you're afraid you'll fall asleep and miss your stop, set your phone alarm.  Under no circumstances should you forget that buses travel much faster at night than they do in peak hours when arranging your alarm settings.

2.  Always carry Purell to use when you get off the bus.

3.  Don't sing.