quicko: goin' to the chapel

Most wedding customs I've encountered here are pretty comparable to American ones, but it's the pre-wedding rituals that actually have, at the very least, different names.

For instance, there's the kitchen tea. The first issue with the kitchen tea is, of course, that "tea" does not mean merely a beverage, but the pausing for a brief snack (generally, but not always, with a cup of tea) or even meal. Are we clear on that? It's like they can have morning tea or afternoon tea, which would generally include, say, biscuits (which, naturally, are small cookies) or maybe fruit or a piece of cake or some other nibbly. It's a lovely concept, though, to my mind, distinctly un-liquid-like.

A kitchen tea then is not a kettle in the centre of the house, but rather a gathering of a women who shower the bride-to-be with kitchen wares. Presumably it's not even in the kitchen.

It would seem that there is an occasion when a future bride can get presents other than spatulas and waffle-makers, but I'm not quite sure what that occasion is. Or perhaps kitchen tea is a loose sort of a terminology. It's hard to tell with these Australians.

Finally, there are two more words that I think do translate directly, so long as you learn the bizarre new vocabulary: buck's (or stag's) nights and hen's nights. It was actually in England that I first encountered these terms as I read (yes, I'm the sort who does) the fine print at a hostel I planned to stay at: "no stag's or hen's nights," it said. I thought this was very strange. Concluding it probably didn't refer to real stags or hens (it wasn't that rural a part of England), I got the idea it, being forbidden in hotels, must refer to prostitution. I continued merrily in this train of thought until my friend's friends started engaging in such activities with some regularity.

It turns out bucks or stags are actually grooms-to-be and hens (surely a man coined this term, though why women continue to use it remains grossly unclear to me) are actually brides-to-be. I have nothing against giving people cutesy animal names, but surely there's something better than a chicken for a blushing bride -- a girl meerkat, perhaps, or maybe a lionness? I realize they haven't got quite the same ring, but I happen to prefer them to chickens. And if all else fails, as, really, it so clearly has, why not resort to, I don't know, bachelor and bachelorette parties? Too human I suppose.

And one more note: events are also often called "dos," which is the plural of "do." This is a very strange case of a good, strong, solid, proper verb being stripped of its very verbness and gaudily clad as a upstart little noun without so much the cover of an -ing. It is one of the most extreme examples I have encountered, and still sends grammatical shivers up and down my shaky spine. But in any event, events dos remain. Thus, one can have a leaving do (i.e., a goodbye party) or, say, a hen's do. What precisely the hens do do is still a bit of a mystery, but I'm pretty sure the girls have a pretty good time.

By the time you get to the wedding ceremony, the Australians are so worn out from deviating from the normal wedding procedures that they generally fall into line and issue fairly standard celebrations. I've been to two weddings here and they were both beautiful and, unfortunately, exceptionally normal. Thank goodness.

The only part of the wedding that is actually legitimately different is, like the British ceremonies, the signing of the register. While an American couple I knew got theirs hastily signed in the back of the family store once upon a time (I suppose their entire wedding wasn't the most traditional, come to think of it) and most regular American couples sign it sometime shortly after the ceremony or during the reception, the Australians are so fond of bureaucracy that they drag it front and center in the ceremony. There everyone sits, watching the legal document get signed. We don't even do that with Presidential pardons!

There's of course some sort of quiet, serious music going on in the background to keep the guests awake (precisely how it's supposed to do that is rather beyond me), but the guests are generally wise to these ways and know they've got to keep the blood flowing to stay upright. To this end, as soon as the register signing begins, they madly dash to the front of the church to snap the ready-made photo. It doesn't seem like a particularly flattering one to me as they usually click while the bride is sitting down, but smile she does, and click they do.

And that was "do" back as it belongs as a verb, thank you very much.