the tale of the tiara

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a princess named Matty.   He was not a princess in the ordinary way of being the daughter of a king, but more in the Australian sort of way of thinking "holidays" were "hectic" endeavors.

Life, you see, was difficult for Princess Matty.  He had to go to work every morning and teach classes full of nothing but young, cosmopolitan females for hours on end before returning to a home-cooked meal prepared nightly at 6 pm by his loving mother.

It was enough to try the toughest of princesses.

Then one day, Princess Matty was requested to come to the aid of Princess Kim in the even farther away land of 500, which was, granted, a rather odd name for a kingdom.  (She had previously left his land on account of there not being room in it for more than one princess, though they managed to remain friends.  Hence, when 500 was invaded by the joint forces of Prince Laurie and Princess Sharon, Princess Matty rushed to the rescue of Princess Kim.)

A fierce battle raged.  A seven spades call toppled, closely followed by a seven hearts.  An open misere was dashed to pieces, followed by another seven spades and a gutsy eight clubs.  An eight no trumps collapsed and a misguided seven diamonds left the carnage falling fast and thick on both sides.  Things were looking bleak, particularly as the Force of Sleaze (as the antagonists were called) began to rise from the ashes and looked set to trump the Desk Buddies (as our protagonists were called) with an effective seven spades call followed by a devastingly winning seven hearts.

Drastic times called for drastic measures.

Suddenly Princess Kimmy had an idea!  The Tiara of Trump!  She ran to her secret tower, extricated it from the Bavarian beer girl/pirate costume and hurried back into the fray.

At first Princess Matty was reluctant to wear the Tiara of Trump, but with such devastation around him, he soon saw there was but little choice.  He donned the sacred heirloom and sallied once more valiantly forth into the shuffle.

There are times, it is said, when tides simply turn.  All is looking lost and then, out of nowhere, (insert superhero of choice here) shows up and saves the day.  So it was with Princess Matty and the Tiara of Trump.

First there was a victorious seven clubs, closely followed by twin seven diamonds.  The opposition countered with a seven clubs of their own, but it was too late.  Daringly Princess Matty threw out a wild eight hearts.  The Force of Sleaze fought back, hoping the Desk Buddies would bleed their own trump.  The Desk Buddies held their cards close to their chests, pulling in one, two, three tricks.  Sleaze stole a sly fourth with the left bower, but the Desk Buddies had it back at five, six, seven, eight.  At nine, Sleaze took control, leaving it down to what everyone sensed would be the last trick of the night.

Prince Laurie led a high spade, followed closely by Princess Kim's ace of diamonds, which did nothing productive, but looked mighty flashy.  Hot on the trail was Princess Sharon's (a gasp from the crowd here!) nine of hearts.  The on-lookers fell silent, all eyes on Princess Matty and the Tiara of Trump.  He held the card for an unblinking moment and then, in the full fury of a highly overwrought (not to mentioned overworked and overtaxed) princess, slashed the pile with the ten of hearts.  540-460, victory belonged to The Desk Buddies, who immediately pouted for a picture, then jumped up and down clapping and grinning crazedly for a full three minutes until the camera flash worked properly.

From then on, Princess Matty never took off the Tiara of Trump ever again, and they all lived happily ever after, except for the occasional hectic holiday in Euchre.  The end.

 

 "I'm comfortable with my sexuality and I can wear a tiara whenever I want."  --Princess Matty, when told he had won and was now allowed to remove the tiara because, really, Princess Kim kind of wanted it back.