ready or hot, here it comes

It is so hot today I can't possibly write about anything else. I've been trying and it's just not working. I was going to write about surfing. I was going to write about pool. I was going to have great puns and be extremely witty and clever, and, believe me, there is a column just waiting to be written on surfing and pool, but it is so hot I can't think straight enough to write about anything else.

I suppose this is part of living in Australia, part of the package, part of the deal. Oddly enough no one mentioned it when I bought my plane ticket. There was no warning on the visa. Nope, they leave you to discover it on your own.

Now, obviously, I knew Australia got hot before I came here, just like I knew everyone surfed all day with their pet kangaroos, but what I didn't know was that they don't have air conditioning. Or, rather, they do, but I don't. And, quite frankly, right now it is I I am concerned about because I is definitely hot. And bothered, if it comes to that, which quite frankly, it has.

I don't know the precise temperature, but we reckoned (see how hot I am? I can't even be bothered to be un-hick) it was about 40, which is something ridiculous hot and over 100 degrees. That is practically halfway to boiling, and I'm not being metaphorical. Did I mention it's hot here?

Thankfully I had an inkling this temperature was coming, so I made sure to get myself to a beach from about 9 to 5. That was all very lovely while it lasted, but now it is 11 and that means I've had 6 hours of being hot. I was so distraught I watched television.

The other problem, of course, is that now it's gotten dark, but all the bugs have come in the open windows (another mystery: no screens) and there are three oddly shaped insects of flight madly tearing about my well-lit room going absolutely berserk. Which makes four of us, though of us is slightly less adept at walking upside down on the ceiling.

Did I mention it's hot? I don't normally drink much water, yes, I know I should, yes, I think it's a fabulous plan, no, I don't want my kidneys to fail. But even when I'm quite thirsty I find I rarely drink more than a couple swallows. And having only recently realized that not everyone grew up drinking milk with dinner (some people have water? how dull!), that's even one less chance I've had to acquire the sufficient lack of taste buds necessary for the love of water. But tonight water is my best friend (sorry, Susan). I've finished one water bottle and, quite cleverly, might I add, pulled the chilled one from the fridge. Five minutes later it was practically boiling, but I drank it anyway. Did I mention it's hot?

And did I mention I went surfing today? That was the plan to keep cool, and that was the plan to write about, with the puns and wit and all. Hmm, neither actually seems to be working, but like you may have gathered it's really rather difficult to concentrate when it's this hot. And the thought of going to bed is appealing, except for the fact that I don't have any sheets. It's not that I haven't got bedding -- I've got plenty of bedding -- I've got a three blankets, a pillow, a couple odd sweatshirts and a sleeping bag -- but, oddly enough, none of that is really what I want right now. I think what I want is to live in northern Sweden, actually. In winter. Or maybe Siberia, but I hear they get a few flowers come spring, so I think I'll stick to Sweden. Anything north of the Arctic Circle, actually. Or south of the southern equivalent, whatever they call it. Right now I'd quite happily drift along with that last polar bear on its lone ice block.

But none of those are actually options right now. Earlier in the day I thought about going to the milk section of the grocery store, just for a fun little field trip, but it'll be closing any minute now. Possibly it already has if all the potential customers keeled over before getting there.

So I am left really with very little to do. I've already swum three times and taken a shower, but, gosh, I think I am beginning to feel awfully dirty again. Maybe the heat's just getting to me, but please excuse me. I really must take a shower.