quicko: goin' to the chapel

Most wedding customs I've encountered here are pretty comparable to American ones, but it's the pre-wedding rituals that actually have, at the very least, different names.

For instance, there's the kitchen tea. The first issue with the kitchen tea is, of course, that "tea" does not mean merely a beverage, but the pausing for a brief snack (generally, but not always, with a cup of tea) or even meal. Are we clear on that? It's like they can have morning tea or afternoon tea, which would generally include, say, biscuits (which, naturally, are small cookies) or maybe fruit or a piece of cake or some other nibbly. It's a lovely concept, though, to my mind, distinctly un-liquid-like.

A kitchen tea then is not a kettle in the centre of the house, but rather a gathering of a women who shower the bride-to-be with kitchen wares. Presumably it's not even in the kitchen.

It would seem that there is an occasion when a future bride can get presents other than spatulas and waffle-makers, but I'm not quite sure what that occasion is. Or perhaps kitchen tea is a loose sort of a terminology. It's hard to tell with these Australians.

Finally, there are two more words that I think do translate directly, so long as you learn the bizarre new vocabulary: buck's (or stag's) nights and hen's nights. It was actually in England that I first encountered these terms as I read (yes, I'm the sort who does) the fine print at a hostel I planned to stay at: "no stag's or hen's nights," it said. I thought this was very strange. Concluding it probably didn't refer to real stags or hens (it wasn't that rural a part of England), I got the idea it, being forbidden in hotels, must refer to prostitution. I continued merrily in this train of thought until my friend's friends started engaging in such activities with some regularity.

It turns out bucks or stags are actually grooms-to-be and hens (surely a man coined this term, though why women continue to use it remains grossly unclear to me) are actually brides-to-be. I have nothing against giving people cutesy animal names, but surely there's something better than a chicken for a blushing bride -- a girl meerkat, perhaps, or maybe a lionness? I realize they haven't got quite the same ring, but I happen to prefer them to chickens. And if all else fails, as, really, it so clearly has, why not resort to, I don't know, bachelor and bachelorette parties? Too human I suppose.

And one more note: events are also often called "dos," which is the plural of "do." This is a very strange case of a good, strong, solid, proper verb being stripped of its very verbness and gaudily clad as a upstart little noun without so much the cover of an -ing. It is one of the most extreme examples I have encountered, and still sends grammatical shivers up and down my shaky spine. But in any event, events dos remain. Thus, one can have a leaving do (i.e., a goodbye party) or, say, a hen's do. What precisely the hens do do is still a bit of a mystery, but I'm pretty sure the girls have a pretty good time.

By the time you get to the wedding ceremony, the Australians are so worn out from deviating from the normal wedding procedures that they generally fall into line and issue fairly standard celebrations. I've been to two weddings here and they were both beautiful and, unfortunately, exceptionally normal. Thank goodness.

The only part of the wedding that is actually legitimately different is, like the British ceremonies, the signing of the register. While an American couple I knew got theirs hastily signed in the back of the family store once upon a time (I suppose their entire wedding wasn't the most traditional, come to think of it) and most regular American couples sign it sometime shortly after the ceremony or during the reception, the Australians are so fond of bureaucracy that they drag it front and center in the ceremony. There everyone sits, watching the legal document get signed. We don't even do that with Presidential pardons!

There's of course some sort of quiet, serious music going on in the background to keep the guests awake (precisely how it's supposed to do that is rather beyond me), but the guests are generally wise to these ways and know they've got to keep the blood flowing to stay upright. To this end, as soon as the register signing begins, they madly dash to the front of the church to snap the ready-made photo. It doesn't seem like a particularly flattering one to me as they usually click while the bride is sitting down, but smile she does, and click they do.

And that was "do" back as it belongs as a verb, thank you very much.

quicko: a cuppa

Is a cup of tea, but it's cuppa for short. Isn't that just plain cute and cozy?

quicko: daggy

To be kind of frumpy, off-style or otherwise un-cool. Usually refers to a person or clothes.

quicko: poppers

I just learned tonight that Australian children never (can you believe this?) ask for juice boxes.

It's not really that they don't like red liquid sugar (who doesn't?), it's just that they call them poppers (according to the girls, for the sound they make when you pop you straw into them or, according to the boys, for the sound they make when you empty them, blow them up and stomp on them). Go figure.

quicko: darlin'

Not all, but some, Australian guys have "darlin' " built into their vocabulary. It just pops out at the end of every phrase when they talk to a female. Sometimes it switches to "sweetheart" or occasionally "love," but something just always escapes. Like a Southern waitress calling all men "honey," it's not really meant as anything ... but it certainly doesn't hurt!

quicko: national animals

Kangaroo and emu. Kangaroo I understand. Emu I don't. Have you ever met an emu?!

quicko: witty headlines

Australian headlines -- even in that lowly creature mX -- are terribly witty. They're full of wordplay (there's a section called "worldplay" -- about international sports) -- both puns and poetic devices I've forgotten the proper names for. Here's a sampling:

"Here is the church and here is the spire, open the door and see all the fire"

"Ear this, he's hair apparent" (about a main with exceptional ear hair)

"Chook out my woolly jumper" (about a woman who knits sweaters for chickens; chickens are called "chooks" in Australia)

"Quick-fix dieting a waist of time"

"Art pushed to an insanse degree" (about a woman doing bizarre things to get a degree in art)

"Aye to eye for an eye"

"Hair today"

"Shaven haven"

"Roy keen on green"

"Fare play" (about rail fare rates)

"The Great Spit Spat" (a debate about the Spit -- a geographical area of water with a very important bridge that runs over it)