caring for your australian

Should you be an American escorting an Australian around your home country, there are several things they need to know right off the bat.

They're more used to traveling and you probably won't need to go into all the time zone, electric plug, Fahrenheit, drive on the right, measure in cups/pounds/miles, write dates "backwards" (say it like that, it's best to humo(u)r them), count building levels from "1" instead of "G" business with them, but there are three things that you'll really have to mention.  Gently.

First, tell them that cars are not required to stop at "zebra" crossings.  It doesn't matter that you don't know what a zebra crossing is, just use that phrase and, as they say, she'll be right, mate.  Just make sure they get it -- the last thing you want on your hands is a squashed Australian.  (A "zebra" crossing is a striped pedestrian crossing.)

Second, brace them for the fact that they're going to have to pay sales tax.  Although they pay it all the time in Australia, they're unaware of it because it is built into the price.  Thus, if it says "$5," it costs $5, not $5.35 or whatever it is in your state.  This will be a rude shock for them, particularly if they have a $20 bill and want something for $19.99.

Third, you've got to break the concept of tipping to Australians.  This is a major dilemma and best done very delicately and carefully and very strongly prefaced with vast quantities of "I know you'll disagree, I know this will seem strange, I know you think it's very, very wrong, but please, please, please just hear me out."  This is necessary because Australian waitstaff are paid in the neighborhood of $15/hour for their services and Australians see no need to tip them.  Fair enough, in Australia.  They are convinced it is the restaurant's duty to pay its employees.  Again, fair enough.  In Australia.

You must explain very painstakingly and lovingly that America, though very similar to Australia in many ways, is actually quite different in this particular area and it's an actual cultural difference that needs to be tolerated and respected.  (Being big on tolerance and respect, Australians should be all ears at this point.)

When you feel the time is right, have your Australian guess how much money a waiter or waitress makes in America.  They'll sense where this is going and immediately subtract about $5 from their initial opinion, which puts them guessing around $10.  If they're really on the ball they may go as low as $8.  Beneath $6 is virtually unheard of, unless they've played this game before.  After they give their final answer, drop the bombshell:  $2.13.  Per hour.  Before tips.  This figure was absolutely 100% accurate in Ohio in the summer of 2004.  Minimum wage was $5.15 or $5.45 an hour.  I would know.  So, yes, with tips waitresses did generally make at least minimum wage (and technically were supposed to have their salary vamped up to it if they didn't, but I never knew that to happen), but often just barely.

Now I admit it's possible wages have gone up a bit since then, but honestly I doubt it's more than $4, and that's on the liberal side of estimations.  A 50% increase in 8 years during recession strikes me as wildly unlikely.  But let's just say.  It's still only half, if that, of the lowest number an Australian was likely to guess anyway.

After you've delivered this news, give your Australian some time to recover.  They'll probably need a beer.  Or two.  When they seem to have regained their composure, explain that, culturally, the sensitive thing to do is to tip a minimum (minimum!) of 15%.  This is accurate for restaurants with paper napkins.  If you go to a restaurant with cloth napkins, the increment is 20%.

As your Australian sputters on the beer, seize their moment of speechlessness to stress how very important of a social custom tipping is in America.  Point out to them that being a "bad tipper" is a horrendous -- horrendous! -- insult and it is a cultural taboo not to tip.

At this point they will insist on asking what happens if they receive bad service.  Refrain from pointing out that, since they are in America, they are exceptionally unlikely to actually receive bad service.  Work with them on their hypothetical.

Should they receive bad service, you explain, it is possible to tip less.  You will not be thrown in jail.  You will, however, be blacklisted by this restaurant -- which is all well and good for your traveling Australian who never expects to be back again, but is very bad for the reputation of Australians in general.  Remind them that waitstaff hearing Australian accents are actually likely to give slightly worse service because their country, alas, has already received a bad rap that way.  (This is possibly also due to the fact that the British are known to be bad tippers in America and many Americans have trouble differentiating the accent.  Thus, your Australian may, shock and horror!, be assumed British.  Refrain from mentioning this as well.)  Therefore, it is their choice to tip as they see fit, but it may be paving a very bleak path for future traveling Australians.  Leave it up to their consciences.

Finally, you must clinch this argument by emphasizing that no matter how stupid, ridiculous, immoral, etc. they find tipping 15% to be, they must be aware that the key to changing this custom is not via bad tipping and that bad tipping hurts no one except the unfortunate individual waiter or waitress.  The greedy, lazy, despicable company is not hurt at all.  It does not care.  It is, after all, greedy, lazy and despicable.  The waiter or waitress, however, will actually be hurt severely if he or she doesn't earn a decent tip -- but will actually truly be made that much happier by even an extra $1 or $2 ("gold coin donation" you could call it).  Think of the waitress.  Really.

Leave them to think on that for a few days, and then repeat the process every two weeks until they depart.  If it still hasn't sunk in, lead them to a zebra crossing, stand back and let them fend for themselves.